Bear with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgive each other. (Colossians 3:13)

The grace of God is patient and works both instantaneously and over time. In marriage, a mistake we sometimes make is thinking too idealistically, as though if we blow our first apolitical, there is no chance for a second.

The way to think about this marriage-saver biblically is that it is an effort to see Colossians 3:13 fleshed out in real life. There is both “bearing with” and there is “forgiving” – how do they mingle in marriage?

Step 1. Your wife points out something you said or did that is wrong or that she doesn’t like.
Step 2. You get angry (for several reasons that seem good to you at the moment.)
Step 3. You have the grace to know in your head that this anger is ungodly and that a heartfelt apology, both for what she pointed out and for the anger, is in order.
Step 4. You are able to say the words of apology but not able to feel sorry because the anger has made your heart hard towards her. You don’t feel tender, you don’t feel broken, you don’t feel sorry. This is better than silence. It is a partial grace.
Step 5. She feels that you are angry and is, understandably, not satisfied with words that do not carry heartfelt contrition.
Step 6. Time goes by. The Holy Spirit ever patient, and relentlessly holy, will not let you go. He works against the anger. He stirs up gospel truths. He softens the heart. This may be through Bible reading, the word of a friend, reading a book, attending a worship service. Meanwhile she is waiting, wondering, praying, hoping.
Step 7. Anger subsides. Sweetness rises. Tenderness is awakened. Sorrow for sin grows.
Step 8. You take her aside and you tell her that the first apology was the best you could do at the time because of your sin. You admit it was insufficient. You tell her with tenderness how you feel toward her, and you apologize with heart, and ask for forgiveness.
Step 9. In mercy she forgives and things are better.

One of the values of building this possible pattern into your set of expectations is that you cut each other some slack (called mercy), so that Step 6 doesn’t feel hopeless for either partner.

LET’S TALK
Discuss whether this fits your experience. How can you build a pattern of forgiveness and reconciliation into your marriage?

Hope this devotion will be of help in conflict resolution in your marriage!