Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. (Revelations 3:19)

Most of the time, we can laugh about our little quirks and foibles. But when it comes to big flaws, we just don’t want to hear about them. We like thinking we’re practically perfect in every way, and we don’t like it when our spouse points out that we’re not. Even when they have our best interest in mind, we have a hard time accepting their constructive criticism.

But there are times – lots of them – when we need our spouse’s perspective whether we like it or not. When we are being inflexible with the kids, when we are so determined to be right that we don’t want to listen to their opinion, when we are frustrated by a work issue but take it out on our family – that’s when we need someone to call us to account. And because we trust our spouse, we know they are not being cruel, but are being honest.

Of course, when it comes to critiquing a spouse, there’s a fine line not to cross. To keep from sliding over that fine line, we need to look to the example God gives us of loving discipline and accountability.

In Revelations 3:19, the risen Christ told the believers in Laodicea that he rebukes and disciplines those he loves. This echoes Proverbs 3:11-12: “Do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves.”

Every parent knows that to let a child do whatever he or she pleases is not good parenting – its negligence. As our heavenly Father, God parents us by telling us how to live, allowing us to suffer the consequences when we choose to live outside of his commands, and offering us endless forgiveness when we realize how stupid we’ve been.

It’s a love that takes our humility into account, a love that accepts us completely, a love that isn’t willing to let us go even when we make terrible mistakes.

When we hold up a mirror for our spouses, we would do well to keep God’s example in mind. At the heart of God’s discipline is love. God doesn’t rebuke us because he is embarrassed by something we’ve said. God doesn’t reprimand us when we we express an unpopular opinion. God corrects us when we’ve strayed from being the people he created us to be.

The best marriages are those in which couples trust each other enough to know that criticism is couched in love and concern. Naturally we don’t always appreciate the other person’s criticism, but we need to grow and mature because of the other’s willingness to say what needs to be said.

LET’S TALK

• How do I feel when you correct or criticize me? Let’s talk about our motivations when offering rebukes. Are they offered in love, or are attempts to hurt each other?
• Let’s talk about ways we’ve helped each other grow and mature. What specific conversations or actions have helped us see ourselves differently?
• What are some areas that each of us might work on? Do we need to be more patient? More selfless? What else?

May this devotion help us to work on this specific area in our marriage, and build a stronger marriage.