Beyond Discouragement, Anger and Resentment to Forgiveness

Introduction: Have You Ever Been Hurt?
Have you ever been hurt in your marriage relationship? Like most married couples behind closed doors, there is conflict. For example, Rufus and Ruth look great on the outside. Thirteen years of marriage, good jobs, a couple of kids, leadership positions in their church, a house of their own, a car – they have it all. But behind closed doors there is conflict, especially over Rufus’ mom. Ever since Rufus’ dad died, his mother has tried to run his life. Much to Ruth’s dismay, Rufus does whatever his mom wants him to do, and it is squeezing the life out of Ruth. She calls it unhealthy control and manipulation. He calls it honoring his mother. Ruth secretly wonders how long she can endure being the “other woman” in her husband’s life.

The ongoing argument between them remains unresolved. They are gridlocked on the issue, yet on either side of this wall of defensiveness are two deeply-loving people who long for understanding, care, and validation from each other. Both have a high need for support, but instead of showing their soft side to each other, they stand back to back with hardened hearts.

Angry, defensive, and critical words have piled up into a mountain between them, and the words “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you” have disappeared from their vocabulary. Neither of them likes what is happening, but when they hurt each other, all they know to do is retaliate, bringing more hurt. If they don’t find help soon, they may soon head towards divorce.

Have you ever been hurt by your spouse? Sure you have. Have you ever been the cause of pain in your partner’s life? Absolutely. In every marriage relationship, the husband and wife have both been the offended or the offender, the cause and the recipient of marital pain. There are no exceptions, including both of us, who have committed our lives to strengthening marriages across the country.

Why do we hurt each other as husband and wife? Why do two people who have committed to love each other for a lifetime sometimes forget each other, ignore each other, or turn on each other? Because every marriage is made up of two imperfect people who are sometimes thoughtless, insensitive, unkind, or downright selfish. And two imperfect people sharing the same space are bound to get into disagreements. We all get into these marital “fender benders” now and then, no matter how much we may wish to avoid them and how sad we feel when they happen.

So what do we do when it happens? How do we respond when a conflict brings hurt to us, our spouse, or both of us?

Many of us don’t know what to do. So we do nothing and inevitably drift apart.
Diane Sollee, founder and director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education, states, “The number one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.”

So, in the coming few weeks of Couples Devotions, we will give you some helpful advice on how to deal with HURT in your marriage. So, don’t miss it and keep looking for it, and most importantly apply it to your marriage as and when needed.

ACTION ASSIGNMENT
This week sit and spend time together sharing freely and frankly areas you have hurt or been hurt in your marriage.

PRAYER: Dear Lord Jesus, forgive us for times we have hurt each other in our marriage! Help us to be extenders of grace and forgiveness. In Jesus’ name, amen!